Relationship with the self

Relationship with the self

I was once told by my therapist that I could never truly love someone or indeed be loved by someone until I loved myself. I thought he was mad - of course this was nonsense for I had been in love and I’m pretty sure they loved me too. I was to discover that this wasn’t the kind of love that I was to experience later in my life, the one I was to feel for myself.

Loving ourselves is a strange concept I think because it has been associated with being conceited, smug, arrogant but it’s not and it’s also not the same as confidence, we can be confident but still lack self-worth.

Self esteem and confidence are different. I was often told by others that I came across confidently and sure of myself. The opposite was the case. Inside I was crippled with self doubt and anxiety, worrying all the time what people thought of me, if I was liked, convinced that I was making a fool of myself. I was often exhausted after being around people and couldn’t understand why. I was masking.

As a society we are so concerned with others opinions: ‘likes’ ‘retweets’ ‘shares’ photos are filtered. Why do we care so much about the validation of others and yet pay little mind to our own?

Ask yourself how negatively you speak to yourself internally? And then ask, if I spoke to my friends or loved ones this way how would they feel? What would they do? Caring about yourself is so important, of course it doesn’t mean that we do so at the cost of others but we have to look after us first.

You all know that analogy of putting on your own oxygen mask before helping other right?

So why is it so important? Lack of self love can lead to depression, anxiety, stress and spiral from there to real self- loathing dark thoughts. Carl Rogers, one of the pioneers of modern-day therapy tells us we need to develop our ‘internal locus of evaluation’ locus basically meaning point, the point at where we locate our value. Many of us rely solely on an ‘external locus’ other people, possessions, what we do. Now these things are also important but can also be finite. For true security that lasts we need ourselves.

I will soon be putting together packages that you can purchase with strategies to begin to develop your love of self. I will also be delivering retreats designed with this in mind in the future.

But to begin with, start addressing the tone of the voice that you use to speak to yourself, make it kinder, more nurturing. Also make a list of treats you would like to give yourself: a massage, a night away, an undisturbed bath… anything no matter how small or indeed extravagant and then begin giving these to yourself for no reason whatsoever. Just because you’re worth it.